


Hey, Hillwood!

by Hillbilly_Leprechaun



Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, Series Rewrite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-29 22:51:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20090089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hillbilly_Leprechaun/pseuds/Hillbilly_Leprechaun
Summary: Hey, Arnold! redone in high school. read inside for more info.





	Hey, Hillwood!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, there! I was browsing DeviantArt, and I found this one fangirl/boy called Utopian Peace. They made a timeline for how Hey, Arnold! Should be watched. I'll add the dates for each episode. With the lineup, I'm making it slightly futuristic (though still the past for us). Okay, Craig Bartlett owns the characters. I'm just tweaking their now-teen personalities a little.

_ **2** _ _ **nd** _ _ **-3** _ _ **rd** _

_I hear them calling for me as I drift through space. I pass a couple of planets as I lazily drift away. No one can touch me, yell at me… I'm free. I can still see the earth as a pass by Saturn. The clouds thin as I hear the echo again. I can see a town, as though I'm being pulled back. It isn't rough or anything; just a subconscious tug. The town space narrows more and more, and I am headed straight for a baseball diamond crudely constructed in the middle of a vacant street. My name is called out once again, and my eyes fly open._

"Hey, Arnold!"

Arnold wakens from his daydream with a start. His classmate Helga has lifted her umpire mask and is shouting for his attention. He has a baseball bat in his hand and it's his turn up to bat. He glances over to his best friend Gerald, running a play he should try.

"Just try not to get hit, okay?"

"Yeah. Good strategy."

Arnold steps up to the plate, and the outfielders move in. Another teen, who Helga calls "Blimpo" taunts him easily. Helga orders the bully to just keep it moving. She just wants to play the game. Harold "Blimpo" goes too far by insulting Arnold's "loony" grandma, and Arnold hits the ball – right into the pitcher's nose. Fifteen-year-old Arnold is anxious after nineteen-year-old junior Harold swears he'll kill Arnold for the incident. Helga stops him from beating up Arnold by making him think to wait twenty-four hours. The blonde teenager heads for his boarding house. His grandpa has no advice aside from staying away from raspberries. His grandma is off on a loop, thinking she is on safari as she attempts to swat a fly. Up in Arnold's room, he listens to music for a while and then begins to dream.

_The streets are too empty as I stick to the walls. I try to draw little attention as possible. I just need to make it home and I'll be safe. I hear Harold's voice around the corner. But which corner? Something just darted behind me! What was—oh. Just a plastic bag. C'mon, think Arnold! You know this town like the back of your hand! Are those… flying raspberries? All the way to a giant hand? Whoa! It's Harold! He's enormous. He could squash me like a bug! I'm dead meat! And a giant Stinky is following! And a giant Helga! I'm doomed! I duck behind the music store as Helga searches through the alley I just left. What's this tingling? I'm growing! No, I need to stay little! I can't let them find me! I need to run for it! Running, running, running, aaaah! Helga! Harold! I've grown but they're still a lot bigger than me. The buildings! I'll climb! I can run across the rooftops! Surely they won't follow me now! No, they're coming after me. What's this, an antenna? Looks like a bat!_

"Whatcha gonna do, Arnold?" Harold drawls out. "Swing at us?"

"Yeah." I find myself saying, in a voice that I don't recognize. "I'm gonna swing it! I'm gonna swing it all day!"

_It feels as though my body is inhabited by a stronger force as I begin to swing the bat. I laugh like a madman and I swing the bat with all my might. I swing hard, and buildings crumble. All the while, I laugh and laugh. Those three bullies stare at me like I've lost my mind. Helga voices the same sentiments as they run away. Lightning flashes and thunder booms as I cackle maniacally. I'm truly crazy!_

These thoughts run through Arnold's mind as his radio alarm clock wakes him up the next morning. It's seven o'clock. He shuts it off with an eye-roll as he moves on to get dressed. He's got two hours left of Harold's dimwitted promise. He searches under his bed for his boombox-relative speakers. He then grabs his mp3 player and gets to work at his desk. Not long after, he sets out to view the world. The boarding house animals run inside, with Arnold's pet pig Abner delivering the newspaper. He tosses it inside, meeting Gerald on the street corner. Neither says a word as they make their journey to the designated street. Helga is working a crowd of suckers, taking bets on who will win the fight of the summer. Cool kid Iggy and accident-prone Eugene eagerly place their bets. When Arnold walks through the gates, the crowd grows silent.

"Nice of ya to show up, Arnold." Harold glowers at the younger teen. "Now make it easy on yourself and hold still while I pound the hell out of ya."

Arnold nods, placing the speakers and player on the ground by the gates. "Alright, but before I do, there's something you should know."

Harold stops a few feet away, gesturing for him to continue. Arnold presses play on his device, and loud music blasts on the street. Arnold grins widely and proceeds to make a fool out of himself in tune with the music. _1, 2, 3! Ungh! Watch me!_ He tap-dances, performs cheerleading feats, and bounces onto Harold's back. The bully is too dumbstruck to move, even as Arnold pinches his cheeks. He flips around and hits himself, much to the confusion and amusement of the crowd. He dances around Helga, slides in puddles and flips onto an old car. He jumps into the trash heap, finishing his crazy dance by rolling a beat-up trash can to Harold and sliding in to hit off his music.

"Wow." Harold breaks the sudden silence. "That was pretty epic. You're alright."

With no fight, the crowd starts to grow restless. Helga voices this before it turns into a mob. Harold decides she's right, and he points at two kids in the crowd, telling them to fight. Iggy is one of them. Not being the type of kid to back down from anything, he throws the first punch, and an actual fight ensues.

"Boys are so stupid." Helga rolls her eyes at the antics, as a lot of the crowd disperses.

_ **4** _ _ **th** _

It's the Thursday before school starts, and Gerald has convinced most of the kids in the neighborhood to come along on a trip to the aquarium. It had come to their attention that they haven't gone in years, if at all. Over a dozen teenagers have boarded a city bus and are on their way. Harold is busy throwing spitballs, and Gerald starts the exaggerations on the various creatures to see. A crowd favorite is the infamous sea turtle known as Lockjaw. They recall him being the most fearsome sea monster. When Lockjaw finally surfaces, Arnold sees him as an old turtle covered in graffiti and food trash. It upsets him. Arnold takes the bus home and retreats to his room. He turns on classic jazz as he contemplates things on his fold-out couch.

His grandma walks in with snacks, and she listens to Arnold's concerns about "the big house for fish." This gives the woman inspiration for an immediate mission. She and Arnold drive out to the aquarium, trespassing in all black. There's no guard at the post, so grandma Gertie snags the key. The two of them scrub off the graffiti and Lockjaw creeps out of his shell. They make a large skateboard, using six of them tied together. They break him out of jail and set him free at the dock. It's times like these that make Arnold happy for the family he's got.

_ **5** _ _ **th** _ _ **-7** _ _ **th** _

It's finally Friday. There's this weekend, and then school will be back in session. Junior year for most of the kids. Neither Arnold nor Gerald has a license, so grandpa Phil is taking the teenagers out to the woods for their annual back-to-school camping trip. Everything is in the Packard for an old-fashioned campout. Gerald just loves sleeping under the stars and roasting weenies over a fire. This year is the first that they'll be by themselves. The boys bid grandpa goodbye, and they set up their tents. They dig a fire pit and bring in a water bucket from the nearby lake. They start down a hiking trail in search of law-of-the-land food.

"Red and sweet are good to eat." Arnold recites as he points to a bush containing berries.

Gerald nods. "But I swear by the sonnet, green'll make you vomit."

When they finally make it back to camp, they've been chased by a skunk and stung by mosquitoes. They're cold and dirty. They don't sleep well, and in the morning, their stomachs are growling. The only food they have is berries and canned beans. They seem to be debating walking down to the ranger's station to flag down a car, or sticking it out in the long run. Suddenly, a subwoofer breaks them out of concentration. A white and red RV pulls up in the neighboring campsite. A shaded picnic table, satellite antenna, and a chimney pop out.

"It's a miracle." Gerald voices his opinion. "We're saved."

A blonde teenager and her raven-haired friend climb out of the vehicle, canvassing the area. They don't notice Arnold or Gerald. Arnold's hopeful face falls, though.

"Scratch that. We're doomed."

Helga scoffs and marches back to the steps. "What d'ya say, Pheebs? Steak and eggs for breakfast?"

"Sounds nice, Helga. But isn't the point of camping, _to camp_?"

They walk back inside, leaving the boys with conflicted emotions. "We're only doing this to get out of the house. Bob and Miriam are fawning over Olga, and I am not going back there until this weekend is over."

"Understood."

Helga drops some steaks into the sink basin to thaw, and the girls fall contentedly onto the sofa. Helga flips on the television as she opens a can of coke and hands one to her friend. Helga has just set the remote down and taken a sip of her drink when Phoebe drops a metaphorical bomb.

"Did you notice the adjacent campsite? With Arnold and Gerald?"

Helga immediately spits out her drink in shock. "A-Arnold?" _In the next fucking campsite? He's right next door? That stupid perfect football head? He's right over there?_ "Big deal." Unable to fully contain her emotions, Helga stands up and scoffs. "I'll be in the toilet."

She sneaks out of the RV, slipping out her locket and falling into a love reverie. She recites her own revisited poetry in secret, as she comes across a sign reading 'Ophelia's Overlook.' She's always trying to find a way to reveal her secret love to Arnold, but something always gets in the way. She's terrified that he'll reject her. It's difficult for her to express compassion, or most things emotional. She's never told these feelings to anyone, but Phoebe has her suspicions. Helga decides to make a move on the camping trip, calling Phoebe down to take a walk. With her best friend trailing, Helga ventures over to the other campsite.

"Looks like we both decided to go camping, huh? Lose your RV?"

Arnold looks up sullenly. "Hi, Helga. We don't have an RV. We have a tent."

Phoebe blinks. "Where do you keep the ice cream?"

Gerald groans. "You guys got ice cream?"

Helga shrugs. "Look, guys. You wanna come over for breakfast and a hike? We're already stuck with each other for the weekend, anyway."

"Steak and eggs? You bet." Gerald already runs over, helping Phoebe man the grill.

"Arnoldo?"

"Yeah, sure Helga. Thanks."

"Right, Bucko."

The four teenagers eat their meal in a nice harmony. Arnold and Gerald stuff their faces, starving from the other night. They then begin walking up the long trail, leading up to Ophelia's Outlook. Their picnic food is lost and forgotten due to a hole at the bottom of the backpack. As Phoebe takes a keepsake photo, Helga's poetic mind begins to drift.

_Alone with Arnold. Phoebe's busy with the camera, and Gerald's… I think he's looking for food. Oh, Arnold. Look to me. Let us be one together. I'm going to do it. Now's a perfect time._

"Let's get back to the camp and eat," Gerald announces. "We just walked off our breakfast, and now it's time for lunch!"

Arnold nods and follows, leaving Helga feeling a bit distressed. They walk and walk, Gerald leading the way. Phoebe and Helga whisper behind, and Arnold falls in last. The sun is going down, and finally, Gerald lets out a frustrated grunt and kicks a tree. He ends up tripping and rolling down a hill into another tree. The other chase after.

"Are you okay?" Arnold asks.

"No, I am not," Gerald confesses. "I'm getting bulges from mosquitoes and we're totally lost."

Helga roughly grabs the collar of Gerald's sweatshirt. "I thought you knew where we were going! We're gonna die out here!"

"Wait, Helga." Arnold pipes up. "Grandpa's been spending years teaching me to track trails."

With that in mind, the boys immediately start eating some red berries. Helga's stomach growls, and she joins in. Phoebe admits she admires Gerald's survival skills as she joins in as well. The boys find moss on a tree, knowing moss always faces north. North matches to their camping grounds. Arnold traces their steps and follows the markers, leading them directly back to camp. The teenagers set up an old-fashioned campfire, roasting marshmallows and singing campfire songs. Eventually, they separate. The boys put out the fire and retreat to their tents. The girls climb back into their RV. When Sunday morning rolls around, the teenagers are greeted by grandpa's Packard, and everyone leaves the campsite.

_ **8** _ _ **th** _ _ **-12** _ _ **th** _

Monday morning is the first day of school. Who would be their regular teacher is stuck out of town, and the students are saddled with a substitute for the first three weeks. Her name is Miss Felter. She's hot, leggy and blonde. The first student she learns the name is Arnold, in the front seat. She has him come up to the front of the class to work on a problem she writes on the board. Helga grumbles at her desk, but she makes no move to do anything. Miss Felter has no trouble remembering Arnold's name throughout class time. By the time the bell rings, Arnold has begun to develop a crush on her.

Arnold may have had a few crushes here and there since grade school. Somehow, this feels different. After school, the teens – Arnold, Gerald, Helga, Harold, Stinky, and Iggy – unite in their favored street to play chalk baseball. Gerald is up to bat when he calls out a red car heading their way. The top is down, revealing Miss Felter as she cruises by. The classmates wave and the woman makes a point to individually greet Arnold. As she leaves, the gang returns to their game. Although, Arnold continues to watch his teacher disappear – and he gets hit in the gut by a fly ball.

"You alright, man?" Gerald questions, crowding over his best friend.

"I'm alright, Miss Felter," Arnold responds in a dazed state.

Gerald helps him up and they continue the game. Sometime later, as they're walking by Sunset Arms with their gear, they meet up with a few others. Park, Nadine, Sheena, and Sid are toting around a football. The teenagers set up to play the game in the street, attracting attention from Rhonda, Brainy and Curly, who also join in. The fast-paced motion keeps Arnold focused. They play the game, with occasional shouts of a car coming their way.

At Arnold's kickoff, Harold taunts him. He kicks it far and wide, landing on Stoop Kid's stoop. All the kids of the neighborhood are terrified of the twenty-something kid who lives on his stoop. Arnold doesn't want to go home, and no one else has a football. The teenagers disperse, and Arnold walks over. He decides he's been afraid of Stoop Kid for far too long.

"Hey, how's it going?"

Stoop Kid merely glares at him from under the abandoned building's awning. Arnold takes a deep breath and continues, eying his fallen ball.

"My, uh, football. It kinda landed on your stoop."

Stoop Kid toys around with a pocketknife, still staring at Arnold. "Go ahead. Pick it up."

"Nah, that's okay. I'll just… leave it here for now. See ya!"

Later at night, Arnold is in his room, struggling with his homework. Every answer ends up being 'Miss Felter.' Arnold then lies down his head at his desk to think about things.

"_I'm sorry about the homework assignment, Miss Felter." Arnold sighs after being called to stay after class._

_The woman giggles and motions for Arnold to climb onto the desk. He shyly complies, and Miss Felter runs a hand through his wayward hair. He blushes._

"_I was actually quite flattered. Would you like a milkshake?"_

_Arnold only smiles in return, and the classroom disappears. Instead, they are at a diner, sitting opposite one another. They're sharing a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream. Miss Felter caresses Arnold's cheek and leans in for a kiss._

The next morning, Gerald points out that Arnold's put his shirt on backward. On the walk to school, Arnold takes into account the beauty of the flowers and the birds singing. Gerald is positive that Arnold has a crush on the teacher, and Arnold is certain that she has a crush on him back. Throughout the poetry lesson, Arnold dream about marrying the teacher. It seems so vivid, and it's disappointing when he snaps back to reality. In the afternoon, Arnold and Gerald are hanging out by the picnic tables at the park. Gerald is flicking stones at the water fountain, while Arnold reads poetry – substituting Miss Felter's name in certain lines. Gerald leaves Arnold behind as he walks back into school, where he left his textbook in his locker. He passes down the hallways, ears perking up as he passes their classroom. He hears Miss Felter talking to another teacher, so he decides to listen in at the door.

"… And guess what? Arnold is finally coming over on Friday! I'm going to make him dinner, and we're finally going to have a romantic time alone."

Without listening to the rest, Gerald runs off to tell Arnold the news. Back in the lounge, Miss Felter is oblivious to this. She continues talking.

"My first night in my new apartment with my fiancé… Arnold Scalcher."

Gerald catches up to Arnold just before he leaves school grounds. They're amazed at this new revelation, though Arnold is much more terrified. He's anxious now that it's the real thing. When Helga questions the boys, Gerald brushes her off. He grabs Arnold's arm, tugging him along. Helga is left behind, thinking aloud about marrying Arnold…

"Running, always running away from me. Oh, how I long to match Arnold's stride, run with him as one, break the tape at the finish line of life as Mrs. Arnold... Wait, what _is_ his last name?"

In Arnold's room, Gerald has scouted out a plaid jacket, white top, black tie and pants, and nice white dress shoes.

"Do we gotta do this?"

"The clothes make the man, my man." Gerald tuts.

Gerald then proceeds to teach Arnold how to walk, how to talk, and how to tie his tie. Arnold begrudgingly goes along with everything, feeling more and more nervous about the impending date by the minute. By the second.

"Now, Arnold. Listen up. If Miss Felter does any of the main three focal points, you are in it for the long haul, my brotha."

"Okay. What is it?"

"Number one: She folds the napkins in some special way. Number two: She puts on some sappy music. Number three: She lights candles."

"Napkins, music, candles."

"Good. Now, let's see you talk it up. You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita." He finishes with a purr.

Arnold raises an eyebrow. "Do I have to purr?"

"Yes. Chicks dig the purr!"

Wednesday morning, Arnold can't sleep. Between learning how to date and the forbidden stoop, there's too much on his plate. Arnold leaves the house at three o'clock in the morning, staking out Stoop Kid's stoop from a trash can across the street. He's keeping himself awake with coffee from a thermos. He's close to falling asleep when Park dumps a load of trash onto him.

"Sorry, Arnold. I forgot you were in there. You can come inside if you want. Besides, school starts in two hours. And Stoop Kid never leaves his stoop."

Arnold sighs and lowers himself back into the trash can. He watches Stoop Kid until ten past eight, so he can walk to school. His day is spent daydreaming in class, walking the long way home to catch Stoop Kid off guard, helping his grandparents, going through dating lessons and getting some sleep. Thursday morning, it's the same thing. Arnold watches Stoop Kid strip to his underwear for a hose-based shower. He falls asleep near six o'clock, watching Stoop Kid read a children's book to himself. Park wakes him up at eight, and the two walk to school. Arnold daydreams as he walks the long way home, helps his grandparents, goes through dating lessons, and gets some sleep.

_Miss Felter and Arnold are walking hand-in-hand down the street. She's dressed in white, and he's wearing a tuxedo. He says something inaudible, and she giggles. She bends down to kiss him when the sound of a large object thuds behind them. Startled, they turn and see a large stoop. The first step is larger than either of them. Sitting at the top of the step is a metro bus-sized football. It begins to glow incandescently, and Arnold lets go of Miss Felter's hand to reach for it. As he scales the step, it begins to crack. It crumbles and begins to fall without either of them._

Arnold is awakened Friday morning. Gerald brings the sun into the trash can on his walk to school. Stoop Kid is still on the stoop. Arnold runs an idea by Gerald: sneak up, snatch it and run away. Gerald has his doubts, but Arnold has confidence – since tonight he'll be on a date with his teacher. While Stoop Kid is distracted by a passerby, Arnold puts his plan into motion. Arnold has the football, and Stoop Kid is left shouting threats from his stoop. The boys don't take him seriously and laugh about it as they walk to school. Along the way, word gets out that Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop.

It's all anyone can talk about at school. Arnold doesn't daydream much. After school, Arnold and Gerald walk the long way again. This time, they find all the juniors crowding the stoop. They're taunting and teasing the twenty-something kid. Arnold doesn't do anything, thinking of it as karma. Friday night rolls up, and Arnold is at the front stoop of Lowtwait Natural Waters four-story apartment building. In one hand, he holds a small bouquet of pink and white flowers. He takes a deep breath, pats his pants pocket for his cell phone, and rings the doorbell. Within seconds, the door is opened by Miss Felter. She's wearing a nice red dress that cuts off at the knees, a pink apron, and a set of earrings that match her pearl necklace.

"Arnold!" She exclaims in surprise. "What are you"

"Am I early?" He cuts her off, this being his first date. "Is this a bad time?"

"Well, I'm… a bit surprised. I just wasn't expecting you"

"So soon? He cuts her off again, almost strangling the flowers. "I _knew_ I was early! Sorry. Do you want me to, like, go back for half an hour and"

Miss Felter places a hand on her hip and cuts him off this time. "This is so sweet of you."

Arnold blushes and thrusts the flowers to the older woman. She accepts them with a smile and then steps back to allow him inside. She mentions that he looks handsome as she leads him into the kitchen.

_Handsome? Oh, no. I don't think I can do this. I didn't think this all the way through. Bread, salad, chicken Kiev… and a lemon pie. Oh, my God. She did this for me? I can't cook worth a salt. Oh, no! Arnold! Say something!_

"You sure went to a lot of trouble."

She smiles, taking the bread out of the oven. "Well, it's kind of a special night."

Arnold's eyes widen, and his hand twitches around his phone. He hadn't even realized his hand was in his pocket. He hits the dial for his radio, and a muffled radiohead is heard. Miss Felter looks over in concern, but he quickly shuts it off.

"Heh. Sometimes my pants... they talk."

Miss Felter makes a strange face, and she lets out an awkward giggle. Arnold can feel the night taking a nosedive. Trying to remember something Gerald said, he leans against the dining table.

"You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita."

She chuckles, setting out the chicken. "Muchas gracias."

Arnold blushes again, rubbing the back of his neck. "Aw, enchilada."

Miss Felter then moves to the table with cloth napkins. She begins to fold them fancily, and something sends an alert to Arnold's mind. He inelegantly asks to use her bathroom before racing to it. He instantly calls Gerald. Meanwhile, Gerald is at his house, playing a video game and drinking soda.

"Gerald!" Arnold hisses over the running water.

"Hey, man. How's it going? Did you purr?"

"No, I forgot. I think I'm in trouble. She loves the roses, she's making a _huge_ meal, and she just started folding napkins in a special way!"

Gerald smirks, setting the game on pause. "That is one _determined_ lady. No music yet?"

"No music."

As if to contradict him on the spot, classical music can be heard through the house. Before he can say anything else, Miss Felter calls out for him. Arnold hangs up the phone and returns to the kitchen.

"It's almost dinnertime. Shouldn't you be"

"Uh, you set a beautiful table, my fair señorita." He repeats anxiously, this time followed by a purr.

Miss Felter only nods. She grabs two candlesticks, carrying them to the center of the table. As she searches for a lighter, Arnold takes out his phone and texts his friend.

_ **To: Gerald** _

_ **From: Arnold** _

_SOS – Candles!_

_ **To: Arnold** _

_ **From: Gerald** _

_You are in serious trouble now my friend_

_ **To: Gerald** _

_ **From: Arnold** _

_What do I do?_

_ **To: Arnold** _

_ **From: Gerald** _

_Go with the flow. Did you purr?_

As he types this, he's throwing on his jacket and grabbing his keychain. Back at Miss Felter's, Arnold wants an out.

_ **To: Gerald** _

_ **From: Arnold** _

_GERALD! You got me into this situation!_

_ **To: Arnold** _

_ **From: Gerald** _

_Me? You had the crush, man._

Gerald has locked the door to his place, and he's unlocked his bicycle from the chain. He's riding down the street. Arnold, on the other hand, is having a lot of difficulties trying to contain his anxiety.

_ **To: Gerald** _

_ **From: Arnold** _

_Come on, Gerald! Help me!_

_ **To: Arnold** _

_ **From: Gerald** _

_Aw, man. I gotta go._

The doorbell rings and Arnold quickly puts up his phone. Miss Felter bypasses him, heading for the door. She opens it with a hug and kisses. The visitor has brought a bouquet, similar to Arnold's only more of them. The man comes into view, also wearing similar clothing. He smirks a little at the teenager, and Miss Felter calls him over.

"Arnold? I want you to meet Arnold Skelter. He's my fiancé. We're getting married in June."

"Hey, Kid. You been keepin' my girl company?"

"Yes." Miss Felter answers for him. "He's a good kid."

"Thanks." The blonde teen smiles weakly. "I guess I better be getting home."

The teenager walks out, leaving the lovebirds inside. Walking out onto the sidewalk, he sees Gerald sitting on the curb. He's got his bike lying on one side, and he's petting a large white dog at the other. He looks up as Arnold gets near. Neither of them says a word, opting instead to just walk home in silence.

_ **13** _ _ **th** _ _ **-18** _ _ **th** _

All through Saturday, Arnold thinks about how he thought it would work out between him and Miss Felter. He doesn't know much about her – he doesn't even know her first name. He leaves the house a little after midnight and begins walking through the town. He sticks to the well-lit places he knows. He somehow makes his way to Stoop Kid, finding the older guy sobbing in his hammock in the awning. Arnold cautiously paces to the first step, narrowly avoiding a can hurled in his direction.

"Want some help?"

"It'd be a waste of time, Kid." The older guy growls.

"What do you got to lose?" Arnold questions honestly, walking up the rest of the way.

"Fine." Stoop Kid slides out of the shadows. "But you try and trick me, I'll get you."

"Understood."

Arnold returns on Sunday around noon. Stoop Kid isn't afraid to leave his stoop; he's just adamant about not doing so. He won't give Arnold any actual reason. Arnold even tries to bribe him with free ice cream. This only ends up with Arnold getting some in his hair. The teen sticks around until six o'clock. He then returns Monday afternoon, around four – and stays until nine o'clock. On Tuesday afternoon, Stoop Kid informs Arnold that he did some bad stuff when he was a teenager, and now he's paying for it. Wednesday morning welcomes Stoop Kid's twenty-fourth birthday. Arnold, Gerald, and Park watch as a police car pulls up at the stoop. They watch in shock as the police deactivate an ankle bracelet on each foot, as well as a choker shocker hidden under his turtleneck. Arnold had seen it before, but he'd thought nothing of it. The cop drives away, and the trio heads to the stoop.

"I guess you're free now?" Arnold guesses.

"As a bird." Stoop Kid nods, chugging an open can of coke.

Harold walks by then, eating melting ice cream. He taunts the older guy, flinging the sticky mess onto the stoop. Arnold, Gerald, and Park wisely step back. Harold is oblivious and even continues to smile after Stoop Kid shouts at him.

"C' mere, fat boy!"

The grin is wiped clean as Stoop Kid leaps onto the sidewalk. Harold then screams out as he's chased down the sidewalk and into the alley. The trio, on the other hand, continues walking to school.

_ **19** _ _ **th** _ _ **-20** _ _ **th** _

"Arnold!" Miss Slovak, the new teacher, screeches.

"Oh. Sorry. What was the word again?"

Arnold and Helga are in front of the class, competing in a mock spelling bee. Helga is bored, but she's not one to back down from anything.

"Nuclear." She sighs.

"Oh, yeah. Nuclear. N-U-C-L-E-A-R. Nuclear."

"Right!" She smiles. "You and Helga are the best spellers in the school. The spelling bee is on Saturday, and there's a one-thousand-dollar prize. Good luck to you two." Winking to her obvious favorite, she adds, "And Helga, don't spend all that money in one place."

As the woman talks, the teens survey the class. Arnold looks over to Gerald, who seems supportive, just not enthused. Helga makes eye contact with Phoebe, knowing her best friend had thrown the contest at the word 'particular.' Phoebe simply has stage fright and doesn't want a lot of people staring at her under a megawatt bulb.

"I won't, Miss Slovak. I'll win. Just like I'm supposed to."

"Good girl. One last announcement: they're conducting some very dangerous asbestos tests this weekend. So, when you come to class on Monday, it's very important that"

The school bell rings, and Miss Slovak doesn't bother finishing the announcement. She's the first one out the door. Arnold good-naturedly wishes Helga luck, which she brushes off with her usual abrasiveness. Walking home, Arnold and Gerald go over what he could get with the thousand-dollar prize. Arnold already knows as he races to the electronics store. The Tone Master 2000. It's an electronic keyboard with forty-one keys and deejays rhythmic cues. It stores the music and creates files to download. The rhythmic cues also include over 250 pre-stored instruments. It's on sale for $999.95.

Meanwhile, Helga is grumbling to herself on the way home. She told Phoebe she needed space. In her mind, if she loses the contest, she loses any hope of recognition toward her family. If she wins, she loses attention from Arnold – positive or negative. Gerald may be supportive of Arnold, but he s adamant about not blowing his Saturday. Arnold goes through mnemonics. Across town, instead of studying, Helga and Miriam are called into the trophy room to watch her dad's new commercial.

"It's Big Bob's Beepers!" The showgirls are singing. "Big Bob's Beepers, ding-ding-ding! Big Bob's Beepers!"

Big Bob then walks down the stairs in a stereotypical king-like cape, oversized royal crown, and a scepter. He's wearing his special 'BB' belt worn only on special occasions.

"I'm Big Bob Pataki, the Beeper King. Come on down to the emporium this Saturday, for our annual spelling bee sale. If my daughter Helga doesn't win the contest, you get your first beeper free!"

The showgirls sing his name a final time as it appears on the screen. At home, Bob shuts off the TV and looks expectantly at his family.

"That was nice, Bob. I need a smoothie." Miriam nods, already walking out the door.

"Criminy, Dad. Why do you even sell beepers anymore? Who's buying them?"

He shrugs. "Doctors and kids mostly. Now get back to work. Next word: clavichord.".

"C-L-A-V-I-C-H-O-R-D. Clavichord." Helga sighs.

She is sat on a wooden stool, with several camera lights aimed at her. Surrounding them are trophies and awards lining the wall. The spelling bee was the only award in school Olga _didn't_ win, and it makes Helga sick. They keep this up, and Helga finally voices how tired she is at a little past midnight. Big Bob goes into a spiel on how Helga _needs_ to win. Unfortunately, the speech is centered around Olga and Big Bob's Beepers. There is a fire in Bob's eyes, so she decides to go with it.

Arnold is also awake, but he is pushing himself to study, so he can get the keyboard. He sits at his desk, picking a word. He closes his eyes and spells it.

"Phlegm. P-H-L-E-G-M. Phlegm."

Grandpa walks in with some milk, helping his grandson out. Arnold doesn't believe in himself to win, but Grandpa reassures the teen that he and grandma will be proud of him no matter how good he does. Saturday morning, Arnold arrives at the auditorium. He chuckles a little at the banner they've put up: 'WELCOME SPEELERS'. Arnold audibly hopes he won't embarrass himself.

"Don't worry, you won't."

Arnold snaps his head around to find his best friend lounging in a seat. He came to support him, after all. Backstage, Helga's passive-aggressive dad is going through all the reasons she needs to win. He even wants her to wear Olga's second-place trophy necklace from her first and only attempt at the spelling bee. Helga refuses to do so, but Bob is adamant. Helga then goes on to check out her competition. Lee is all dressed up and has a pencil behind his ear. Michael is tall and excited. Carl is concentrating. Seymour is wearing glasses and is practicing as he stands there. Lunette is wearing a rainbow shirt and toting a doll. Bella is dressed all in purple and is trying to make friends with all the contestants. Lester has an emo fringe, waiting and watching the clock. Lastly, Darlene has her hands clenched.

Michael goes out on 'glacial', the first word. Helga gets 'sanctimonious', and Arnold gets 'philately' as their first words. Lee has 'effervescent' and is nervous through the word. Lunette loses on the second-round word 'spurious.' Darlene loses on 'abugida.' Lester shrinks to the floor when he loses on the third round word 'lupine.' Bella starts crying after missing fourth-round word 'guapote.' Carl misses 'guaiol', and Lee crumbles at fifth round word 'reverberate'. Now at round six, Helga is given the word 'velocipede.'

"Velocipede. V-E-L, O-C, I-P, E-D… E. Velocipede."

There are only three contestants left, and Seymour steps up to the microphone. It looks like he's about to have a heart attack.

"Seymour, spell 'pasquinade'."

Immediately, his fears are cleared up as he closes his eyes and puts his hands on either side of his head. "Pasquinade. P-A-S-Q-U-I-N-A-D-E. Pasquinade."

However, when a shocked crowd applauds, Seymour vainly bows. His earpiece falls out, getting him disqualified. It's down to Helga and Arnold, and the latter is called to the wings.

"There's a lot of big words out there." Bob nudges Arnold. "Be pretty easy to mess one up."

"Huh?"

"Well, suppose you missed your next word, but somebody paid you the prize money anyway."

"You want me to throw the competition?"

"Naw, it's more like making sure that the kid who's the best speller really wins. C'mon, there must be _something_ you wanna buy with those thousand smackers."

_I get that keyboard, and everyone will come from all over to hear me play. I'll be playing at a club… and the college girls will go for me. Especially Ruth. Her braces will sparkle against the disco ball, and she'll be all over me._

"If you lose, you win." Bob's voice cuts in on Arnold's fantasy. "If you try to win, you'll probably lose." He hands over a check for one thousand dollars. "So, get out there are lose like a winner."

"Hey, what were you talking to my dad about?" Helga whispers as Arnold returns to the stage.

Arnold doesn't answer, looking between the crowd and the wings. In the crowd, Gerald, grandpa, and grandma (dressed in a gladiator suit) cheer for him. Helga glares at her dad, and Arnold crumples up the check. He tosses it on the floor, and he steps up to the microphone to spell 'onomatopoeia'. Helga notices the paper and picks it up to inspect it as Arnold spells.

"Onomatopoeia. O-N-O, MA-, T-O, P-O, E-I-A. Onomatopoeia."

_I can't believe my dad. I should by now. All he cares about is what he promised his stupid beeper customers. He believes in Olga. He doesn't even remember my name unless it's scripted._

"Helga, you're next. Your word in 'qualm'."

_Qualm. That was Olga's word. I've heard it a million times._ Helga glances around the audience, finding Phoebe. The raven-haired girl has her fingers crossed for Helga, and the blonde is grateful that at last _someone_ is on her side.

"Hmm, let's see. Qualm. Q-U-A…" She glances from her dad in the wings to Arnold's cheer section, to Phoebe. Helga closes her eyes and damns the consequences. "L-X."

Helga then smiles, knowing she's got it wrong. When the announcer declares she is incorrect, Helga holds a hand toward Arnold, depicting he is the winner. The crowd erupts in cheers. Bob breaks something backstage. Phoebe stands and claps as well, moving toward the stage. The competition is over. Arnold has the trophy, walking with his grandparents and Gerald. Helga is arguing with Bob, with Phoebe trailing behind.

"How could you miss 'qualm'? Where the hell did the 'x' come from?"

"Guess I just forgot." Seeing her dad's blood boiling, Helga motions Phoebe over. "I'll be at Phoebe's tonight."

The beeper customers accost him, allowing Helga and Phoebe to slip away. Grandpa Phil is proud of his grandson, and Gerald is impressed with Arnold's know-how. The oversized trophy is strapped to the roof of the Packard, and they leave.

_ **22** _ _ **nd** _ _ **-25** _ _ **th** _

Helga stays with Phoebe throughout Sunday and Sunday night, giving Bob enough time to cool off. After another long day of school Monday morning, the girls head to the park to run for a while. Meanwhile, the boys – Curly, Brainy, Arnold, Gerald, Sid, Park and Eugene, against Harold – have gathered to play nuclear ball in an abandoned lot. Harold is still taunting them when Helga and Phoebe jog up. He hurls the "nuclear ball" at Arnold, but the blonde ducks and the ball smacks the wall. The speed causes the ball to retract and directly hit Harold in the face at full-force. It's enough to cause his nose to bleed, and Harold immediately thrusts Arnold against the wall. Before he can lay a single punch, a sharp red motorbike pulls up.

In a smooth voice, the bike's owner questions, "What'ya doin'?"

The teenagers stare back in awe. The biker is wearing a ripped white tee under a black leather jacket, fingerless gloves, blue jeans, and black boots. He's got stubble; he's a college student named Frankie G. He orders Harold to let go of Arnold, warning the eighteen-year-old that he'll be eating pavement if he does otherwise in the future. Frankie offers Arnold a ride on the bike, and everyone but Helga is in admiration. Arnold and Frankie fly through the city on the bike, and the latter befriends the former. The next morning, Arnold and Gerald walk to school. Gerald has his suspicions about Frankie, but Arnold thinks Gerald is just jealous. Frankie pulls up in front of the school at 8:10, just as the juniors arrive.

"Hey, Arnold."

Arnold grins, turning away from his best friend in favor of his new friend. Frankie high-fives the teen and tosses his extra helmet.

"How's it goin'?"

"Great."

"Ready to go do some stuff?"

"Well, not right now. I'm supposed to go to school."

"Yeah, good one." Frankie scoffs. "Get on. We got more important things to do."

Arnold hesitates. He has perfect attendance. Still, he has fun with Frankie G, the hotshot twenty-year-old biker. Sighing, he fastens his helmet and climbs onto the bike. Through the day, Frankie treats Arnold to flapjacks and coffee at Joe's diner. Frankie and the waitress appear to have some understanding, and she doesn't charge him for the meal.

"How'd you wager that?"

Frankie shrugs. "Comes with the territory, Kid. Speaking of, you need some new duds. Is that a skirt?"

Arnold blushes. "No, it's just a plaid shirt."

"Alright, you're getting new clothes."

The two climb back on the motorcycle and hit a retro thrift shop. Frankie tosses Arnold's plaid shirt. Instead, he grabs a black jacket and shades. He also gels Arnold's hair back. They go driving with more style, and Frankie takes Arnold to the arcade. College kids and others playing hooky are around. Frankie watches as Arnold avoids the kid games, and plays on all the vintage booths. He also has great coordination on the pinball machine. As Arnold plays, Frankie is working on the back panel of the change machine. He collects just over two hundred dollars when Arnold bests a high score. Frankie stuffs the cash in his zippered pocket, and Arnold walks over with a string of tickets.

"Not bad, Little Man."

"Hey, uh, let's go to the photo booth."

Frankie raises an eyebrow, so Arnold tries to look cool. He shrugs. This makes Frankie smirk, so the duo climbs into the booth. Frankie offers the camera his charming smirk, while Arnold smiles big and wide. In the second photo, Arnold sees Frankie with crossed arms, so he lifts the shades and attempts the look with a poorly-made smirk. In the third, Frankie is getting annoyed, but it only shows as he diverts his eyes. Eventually, they leave. Frankie has Arnold wait for him in a junkyard as he swindles a man working in used auto parts, with the stolen cash. Frankie has Arnold go inside a fast food joint and wait for him. He purloins a couple of magazines from a stand outside before joining him for a burger, fries, and coke each. Arnold carries the food to the table, sans the drinks.

Frankie pulls a sad story over not having an extra five dollars to cover the cost. He says he'll go on a date with the girl behind the counter instead, and she takes him up on the offer. Around two-thirty, Frankie and Arnold hit the movies. They watch a rated-r action movie called _The Wild One_. When the movie is over, they set to cruising again. Frankie drives them into the bad part of town, where a lot of crimes happen. They pull up behind a dirty, downtrodden apartment building, and screech to a halt. He kills the engine and climbs off, gesturing for Arnold to follow as he walks to the nearest door.

"This is where you live?"

Frankie either fails to notice Arnold's disbelief, or he just ignores it. "Yeah. C'mon in. You gotta meet some of the guys."

Arnold looks over the amazing two days he's had, and he decides not to question it. He follows Frankie inside. On the inside, paint is peeling, and doors are cracked. Everyone comes out and into the hall when they see Frankie has returned. The college kid leads the high schooler past everyone. An elderly woman is wearing her robe and high heels, reaching Frankie for a cool handshake. An Asian man across from her is smoking a joint. His entire apartment is filled with smoke. Two doors down, a scruffy, late twenty-something-year-old glares at Frankie from his doorway. Frankie fist bumps a pierced guy a little way down. Finally, a tough-looking Latina steps in their way.

"What, Frankie's here? When ya gonna pay me my rent?"

"C'mon, Ms. Roselli, you'll get it. When've I ever let you down?" He places a hand on her shoulder to emphasize his point.

She places a hand over his. "You're a good boy, Frankie." She then pulls him in a vice grip. "Have it by Friday."

"Three days." He nods, wrenching his hand away. "That's doable."

Ms. Roselli stares at him but nods. He walks into what appears to be his apartment, but four other guys are already there. Punk music, smoke, and scattered clothes are the first things Arnold spies. A blonde is drinking beer in the corner, jamming to the music on a state-of-the-art sound system. A brunet in fine clothes is smoking a cigarette on a tattered couch. The strewn clothes belong to the black kid half under the covers with some girl making giggling sounds. Lastly, a black-haired kid wearing a sweater is flipping through a book. Arnold walks in with a gasp, as Frankie slams the door shut.

"Arnold, guys," Frankie says as the music shuts down a little. He points to the guy flipping through the books. "Tony B." He nods to the guy on the bed. "Tony D." He gestures to the guy with the beer, now walking to another corner. "Joey C." Finally, he turns to the well-dressed guy on the couch. "And Chaz. Guys, this is Arnold."

Tony D nudges the girl under the covers, and she pouts. He collects his boxers and stands to put them on. Arnold averts his eyes as a leggy girl runs out the window with her clothes in a bundle. Chaz shuts it, silently offering his cigarette to Arnold. The teenager coughs and declines. Tony B sets the book on the shelf and bums a cig from Chaz. Joey C sits on the floor by the couch with another beer in his hand. He gestures to Arnold.

"Take a seat, Touchdown."

The football-headed teen smiles at the new nickname, and he joins the others. He can feel the gang inspecting him as Tony D takes a seat by Tony B. Frankie returns with four beers, passing three out to the Tonys and Arnold. The gang pops their tabs in synchronization and they each take a swig. Arnold shyly tries to steer them away from him.

"What a collection! What a system! Where'd you get all this cool stuff, Frankie?"

"Ay, anything you want, you can get. Work hard, plan it, and get your priorities straight."

"Cool."

Frankie raises his beer. "Guys, toast. To Arnold."

"To Arnold." The others echo.

The gang chugs some beer and stares at Arnold in anticipation. Gulping, Arnold hesitantly swallows some beer. It tastes disgusting and he chokes it down. The others laugh it off, and the music is turned up again. Come Wednesday morning, Frankie is waiting outside Arnold's boarding house before even Gerald shows up. They spend the day cruising on the bike, hanging out with the rest of the gang, and watching another rated-r movie. Arnold doesn't care about missing school anymore if he can be doing this all day. Frankie buys Arnold some motorcycle-wearing gloves and drops him off in front of the boarding house at five o'clock.

"See ya tonight, Kid."

Arnold waves, walking up to the sidewalk and finding Gerald. He's on the stoop with a skateboard across his lap.

"Where've you been? You haven't answered my calls. We were gonna go skateboarding."

Arnold shrugs. "I forgot. I met Frankie's friends and we hung out."

"Man, you reek." Gerald back away. "What is that?"

"Oh, no. The smoke!"

"Smoke? Was there a fire?"

Gerald calls after Arnold as he hops the stoop and grabs a hose. Arnold hoses off his clothes and hair for a long while. Gerald just watches in confusion and disbelief. Finally, Arnold steps out of the water.

"How do I smell?"

"Better. Was there a fire?"

"What? No, cigarette smoke."

"You smoking, Arnold?"

"No! But his friends were. And drinking."

"And what, they spill beer on you?"

"No, I, uh… I drank a little."

"You idiot! Drinking beers, skipping school. What's all this _Frankie_ stuff?"

"He's my friend." Arnold leans against the stoop, opposite Gerald.

Gerald scoffs. "You're a fifteen-year-old do-gooder. He's a twenty-year-old biker. He's not your friend. You don't even know the guy."

"Sure, I do." Arnold crosses his arms defensively.

"Look, man. I've been asking around. This... Frankie G is bad news. If you're smart, you'll stay away from him."

Arnold scoffs this time. He starts climbing his stoop. "Forget this, Gerald. You're just jealous."

He slams the door, and Gerald just scowls, skateboarding home. Arnold manages to avoid his grandparents and slip into the shower to wash off all the smoke and beer odors. It takes a long time. When he finally gets out, he gels his hair back the way Frankie showed him. He throws on a dark green shirt, blue jeans, and the jacket. Arnold grabs the gloves and climbs to the roof. He climbs down into the alley and starts walking until he sees Frankie's bike. The man in question is at its side, fixing a leak.

"Hey, Arnold." He calls quietly. "Hurry up, we're gonna be late."

"Hey, Frankie, can we talk a sec?"

Arnold walks up, and Frankie stands. "Sure. shoot."

"Is there some reason you want me to hang out with you guys? Something I don't get?" When he doesn't get a response, he elaborates. "I mean, the reason we're hanging out together. You're really my friend, right?"

"Course I am, Arnold." He tosses the helmet to him, his voice dropping low for a minute. "You're really _my_ friend, right?"

"Sure, Frankie." Arnold agrees, slightly taken aback.

"And friends do friends favors, right?" Frankie questions, climbing on the bike.

Arnold fastens his helmet. "Yeah. What's the favor?"

"Get on."

Arnold obliges, and Frankie peels down the road. They pull up to the alley behind one of the town's most prominent electronics stores. The gang is already there, dressed in black for the most part. Tony B is toying with something in his pocket, while Tony D is carrying a can of black paint spray. Joey C is just drinking a beer, leaning against the building.

"We're all set." Tony B announces to his leader.

Frankie nods. "Let's do it."

"Do what?" Arnold is nervous.

"C' mon, Arnold. I wanna show you something." Frankie physically pushes Arnold forward.

He leads the teenager to the back of the store, where a single light is positioned over a small basement window. "Alright, Kid. Wanna be one of us? Climb in there, spray the cameras and unlock the door."

Tony D shakes the can, and Arnold's eyes widen.

"You mean..."

"Yeah. I need to get something for my sister's birthday."

The others start to laugh, but they're silenced by Frankie's glare. Arnold glares at Frankie.

"Hold up. This whole week? You needed me, to help you steal? I thought we were friends."

Frankie grips the back of Arnold's shirt. "We'll be better friends when you get through that window."

"No." Arnold crosses his arms, turning away.

Frankie shoves him to the wall with one hand and brandishes a pocketknife blade very close to the teen's neck with the other. "Hey, you're not listening to me. Now, get through that damn window. Now."

Frankie shoves the kid to his knees, the blade just grazing his ear. The other college kids laugh, but Arnold is close to tears. He nods and lifts the window open. He starts to climb through when sirens wail nearby. His laces get caught as he scrambles. The Tonys and Chaz run off quickly, leaving only Franke and Arnold. The teenager calls for help, but Frankie climbs on his bike and pockets his knife.

"Later days, Triangle Face."

As he tries to leave, he skids to a stop. His gang is already getting arrested, and he's screwed. Gerald is standing nearby, and he pulls one of the cops around the bend when he hears Arnold's shouts.

"Hey, kid. You okay?"

"Huh?" Arnold stops squirming. "Who's there?"

"I'm Officer Carlos and I'm here to help. This young man here says you were tricked into this mess by the Alazraqui Gang. I'm here to help you out."

"I thought they were my friends."

Officer Carlos finds the way he's gotten stuck. He helps pull Arnold free, and back through the window. "You'll need to pay for breaking into that window, though."

"I will?"

"A dollar should do it. Did you get hurt?"

"A little, but it's okay."

Officer Carlos sees the scrape on his ear and the few bruises he's gotten. "Alright, kid. Let's get you home."

"Thanks. Gerald, how'd you know to get the cops?"

"I followed you. I told you those guys were trouble."

Arnold looks down at the ground as they're guided into the back of a patrol car. "Guess I acted pretty dumb."

Gerald smirks. "Yeah, you did."

They go through their infamous handshake with a grin. The officer drops off Arnold. As he leaves the patrol car, he turns to his friend.

"Hey, Gerald? Do me a big favor."

"Yeah, what?"

"If I ever do anything like that again, drop a piano on my head."

"You got it, man."

The door closes, and Arnold walks up to his stoop. He tosses his jacket into the trash can at the side as he walks into the boarding house. It is past midnight now, the twenty-fifth. His grandpa is dealing with the other boarders, and his grandma is "making cupcakes for the starving safari beast," so Arnold can slip to his room without any detection.

_ **28** _ _ **th** _ _ **-30** _ _ **th** _

It's the last Sunday of the month, and the hottest movie in town is _August in El Segundo_. Helga is in the Avon theater, grumbling quietly to herself as it was Phoebe's choice this weekend. On the screen, a plane is about to crash into a beach where people are vacationing. The pilot takes his true love in his arms and holds her. Even as they crash, Helga scowls. When the wreckage clears, the pilot and his love are huddled under a mangled wing together. They are lying on the sand, eyes shut, scorched, but hand in hand. Firemen pull up to douse the flames, and Helga's eyes drift over to Arnold. He and Gerald are checking out the movie, watching a few rows ahead of Helga and Phoebe. She looks back to the screen when one of the characters – Francesca – begins talking.

"There he is again. Fawning over that tramp. Maybe _this_ will make him jealous. C'mere, Elliot."

Francesca crawls over to a man who's just waking up. She pulls him toward her, trapping him in a hot kiss. Greg, her actual love interest, opens his eyes and widens them as he takes in Francesca kissing Elliot. This pivotal moment is where Helga comes up with a great plan to get Arnold. She plans it out without telling Phoebe. She looks around the school for the perfect sap, and she finally approaches Stinky in the cafeteria at lunch.

"… Let me put this in terms you'll understand. I'm hiring you to be my boyfriend."

He pauses from eating his spinach and looks up for her to continue.

Helga scoffs, continuing. "Y'know. Buy me thing, take me places. Yada, yada, yada. I'll pay you a buck a day. Deal?"

"Why, Helga. I hardly know what to say. I guess I find you attractive in your way, but I never realized the extent of your feelings for me."

"Don't flatter yourself, kid. This is a business deal. The extent of my feelings is act like my boyfriend for a few days or I'll pound your face in. Now, what's it gonna be? Yes? Or no?"

"Make it two dollars a day?"

"Alright, fine." Helga rolls her eyes.

"Hot dang!" Stinky smiles, rubbing his hands together. "Alright, Helga. You got yourself a hired boyfriend."

She nods. "Now scram. I'll text you when I need you."

During free period, Arnold always goes to the library. This is where Helga is, and she texts Stinky.

_ **To: Stink-o** _

_ **From: Helga** _

_Boyfriend time. Library._

Stinky rushes in. He had been just down the hall. Once he finds Helga, he walks up to her and pulls out a chair. She smirks a little but goes to sit down. He pulls it back out of instinct, and she falls to the floor. She looks around, but thankfully no one's noticed. Stinky incorrectly recites poetry and forces a tissue in Helga's face when she sneezes. Soon, free period is over. Stinky remains nearby throughout the day. After school, Helga overhears some classmates going to the skate center. Helga brings Stinky along.

"Uh, Helga? Much as I want to be your pretend boyfriend, I don't reckon I told you I can't"

She hadn't been listening, and she cuts him off by grabbing his arm when she spots Arnold. They start skating in circles, though it only ends in Helga crashing into the sound system. After resetting the music and assuring the workers she's fine (and won't sue them), she and Stinky leave for the park. They just sit on the bench, enjoying the day, until Helga finds Arnold and Gerald set up a game of catch. Helga tries various attempts at gaining their attention – but she finally does (barely) when she gets stung all over by bees. Stinky has a pickup and drives her to the hospital. After being taken care of in the clinic, they leave. Helga stops before they reach the car.

"This isn't working out. We should see other people. Exclusively."

"Huh?"

"You're fired. I'm walking home."

Later that night, Stinky realizes that after only one day, he's fallen for Helga. Forgetting about the transaction deal, Stinky had wanted it to be for real. He locks himself in his room, and won't open it. Not even for his dad's infamous grilled cheese. The following day during free period, Stinky is back outside where he normally is, under a tall tree. Today though, he's trying not to cry. Arnold walks up.

"Stinky, you okay?"

"Sure." He pauses. "No, there's this girl."

"Girl you like?"

"Crazy in love." Stinky nods. "But she don't feel the same way."

Arnold sighs. "That's too bad. Who's the girl?"

"If I tell you," He whispers. "Do you promise not to tell?"

"Sure."

"Helga Pataki."

"Helga Pataki!?" Arnold screeches before clamming his hand over his mouth. "Sorry. Uh, we'll talk after biology?"

Stinky nods. The two share a biology class. After it's over and they're in the hall, Stinky reveals everything to Arnold about how he feels.

"… but the more I was around her, the more I got to know the woman behind the mask. She's not just some screaming blowhard who bosses me around. She's much more. Stuff bugs her, she calls me Stinko. But the agony and the rejection… I'll lay down and die like an old dog."

"Okay, _I'll_ talk to her."

Helga had been around the next corner as she hears Arnold talking. She immediately concludes that her plan has worked. She looks around the empty hallway and lets out a breathy sigh. Just as she's about to twirl, Arnold walks around the corner, shocking her.

"Don't ever sneak up on me like that, you little spit wad!"

Arnold holds his hands in surrender. "Sorry. Can I talk to you about something, Helga?"

"Alright. Carry my book. We'll walk and talk."

"Okay. Well, it's about someone who"

"Likes me?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

Helga shrugs, leading him down the stairs. "Lucky guess. So, someone who likes me but never says anything aloud?"

Arnold smiles. "You _are_ good."

Helga merely shrugs it off again. "I guess he wants to meet me somewhere? Like the park on 45th street at the pink bench near the statue? After school today?"

Arnold looks over to Stinky who is hiding in a storage closet. He holds out a thumbs-up, and Arnold looks back to Helga. "It's a deal. At four o'clock. Okay?"

Helga pretends to think about it. She grabs her book from him as last class bell rings. "Okay."

Right around four o'clock, Helga is under the tree by the bench she'd described. She has her pocketknife out, carving Arnold's picture inside a heart, within the bark. She grumbles to herself, making a promise to beat him up if he doesn't get there soon. Behind her, Arnold waits in a bush. He pushes Stinky out, urging him to talk to Helga.

"Hello, Helga."

"Oh, it's you, Smelly." She grumbles, picking up her dropped knife. "Beat it. I'm meeting someone here."

"Yeah, I know." He rubs the back of his neck. "It's me."

"What?" She crosses her arms and widens her eyes.

"_I'm_ the boy who likes you. We could be really good together. I think I might love you."

"_Love_ me?" Helga sneers. "That's pathetic. It's not gonna work. Not now, not ever."

"How come?"

"Because I am Helga G. Pataki. I don't date the Stinkys of the world."

Helga walks away, and Arnold emerges. Stinky is upset about it, but Arnold tells him to move on.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been episodes "24 Hours to Live", "Field Trip", "Roughin' It", "Crush on Teacher", "Stoop Kid", "Spelling Bee", "Cool Jerk", and "Helga's Boyfriend". I own none of them, but I enjoy writing about them. Until next time!


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